The burden of divorce every year is faced by thousands of children. How they adapt varies according to age, character, and the context of the process of separation and divorce.
The kids involved will be affected by any divorce, and often the initial response is one of shock, sorrow, disappointment, rage, or concern. Yet children will also emerge out of it more able to deal with uncertainty, and become more resilient and receptive young adults.
Although you can't make the pain of your kids go away, you can help them deal with the different setbacks that divorce gives. Here are four suggestions to keep in mind.
Remind Your Kids That They Are Loved
When a parent doesn't come through frequently, kids think they are partly to blame. They would think that if they were more pleasant or behaved, then undoubtedly their parents would prefer to be with them.
Self-esteem can plummet as one of the consequences of divorce. You must consistently remind your child that the lack of engagement of the other parent has little to do with their "loveability."
If, say, the father of your daughter didn't show up, you might tell her, "Even parents make serious mistakes, and sometimes they upset the people they love. It's bad to cancel at the last minute, even if he knows that the visit matters so much to you. But it doesn't mean that you're not loved."
Handle Your Kids’ Reactions Well
Tell children who are disappointed about the news that you care deeply about their sentiments and remind them that all their negative feelings are completely valid and acceptable.
You can say, "I know this is very hard for you. Can we try to think of anything that might make you feel better?" or "We both love you and are sad we have to stay apart from each other."
Not all children react instantly. Let them know that's fine, too, and that once they're ready, you can communicate. At school, or with friends, or in changes in their appetite, actions, or sleep habits, tension can come out.
By behaving as if all is well, some children try to please their parents, or they try to escape any uncomfortable emotions by denying that they feel any frustration or disappointment at the news.
Keep The Details In Check
Take caution when sharing the specifics of the divorce with friends, relatives, or your lawyer to maintain confidentiality. Strive to maintain your interactions as civil as possible with your ex, particularly when you interact in front of the kids.
Take the moral high ground, no matter what the circumstances of the split, don't resort to accusing or name-calling within your kids' earshot. In an "at fault" divorce where there have been exceptionally hurtful incidents, such as unfaithfulness, this is particularly relevant.
As children would be intensely curious if there is a high-conflict situation at home, be sure to keep letters, e-mails, and text messages in a safe spot.
Seek Help
Now isn't the time to just go on your own. Speak to people who have been through this, use online tools, join a support group, or ask your doctor or faith leaders to guide you to other options.
Seeking help yourself provides your children with a clear example of how to make a positive transition to this big change. For your children, support from a counselor, therapist, or friend will also keep good boundaries. It is really critical that you don't depend on your children for support.
Bottom Line
Changes of any nature are daunting. Believe that you and your children can adapt to this one and will.
It's a tough graft to find your emotional confidence, get counseling, and learn healthy coping strategies, but it can make a massive impact in ensuring your family, especially the kids, get through this tough situation.
